Jesus' Earth-Dad is my Broker
The Babe Cave has been on the market for one week. That's six days longer than I was anticipating.
Impatient and not willing to host an Open House (for people steal my prescription meds and rifle through my underwear...) I turned to the original AirBnB'er of Mangers: Saint Joseph.
Believed to be the Here-On-Earth-Dad of Jesus Christ, St. Joseph is the Catholic go-to source for selling your house.
Now, I am not Catholic, let's make that clear, but in the interest of a pending contract I am willing let the supernatural do it's 'thang since Zillow is coming up short.
Since Joseph taught his baby boy to be a craftsman and always kept a roof over his head. For ages people had turned to him for matters of the home.
Humans though, tend to be assholes by nature. In what is known as the "degradation of Saints," people tried threatening these celestial beings to do their biddings. A bit counterintuitive BUT...threatening Saint Joseph that sellers would "bury (his) head in the dirt until the home is sold" kind of stuck, was kind of successful and is still used.
All I have to lose is $7.00 thanks to Amazon Prime.
Because God gave us online shopping I found a conveniently packaged Saint Joseph Kit (HERE). A fantastic alternative considering that burying the garden center 3-foot cement version of him would have looked super awkward near my hydrangeas.
It comes with instructions but as with any organized religion there are widely varying interpretations of what the actual protocol is. (Go ahead...send me a shitty email about that comment. I dare you. And then I'll pray for you...)
In most cases you must bury him upside down but some suggest sideways with his hands facing towards the house, an effort to direct potential buyers to your door.
Others advise the front yard, close to the "For Sale" sign or even near the road. Several sources recommend putting him near "natural growth" like a garden bed. If you have a condo, try in a pot (check all HOA regulations before erecting potted religious entities on your porch).
There are no specifics given as to how far down or if you need to sink him, although one website suggested exactly one foot into the ground to make him work harder.
You have to pray as you are burying him (and your neighbors are inevitably watching your crazy ass from their windows) and then pray EVERY DAY to Saint Joseph.
When the house sells, go get him. DO NOT LEAVE JOSEPH BEHIND. Dig him up (give your neighbors one last freak show) and establish a "place of honor" for him in your new home.
If you have having fun staying posted on all Babe Cave adventures hit that big orange button at the top to stay in touch! Check the video at the top to watch some masterful Saint Hiding. I will update after Joseph and I are rolling in money on his temporary burial site.
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Here is the initial prayer:
O, Saint Joseph, you who taught our Lord the carpenter’s trade, and saw to it that he was always properly housed, hear my earnest plea. I want you to help me now as you helped your foster-child Jesus, and as you have helped many others in the matter of housing. I wish to sell this house quickly, easily, and profitably and I implore you to grant my wish by bringing me a good buyer, one who is eager, compliant, and honest, and by letting nothing impede the rapid conclusion of the sale.
Dear Saint Joseph, I know you would do this for me out of the goodness of your heart and in your own good time, but my need is very great now and so I must make you hurry on my behalf.
Saint Joseph, I am going to place you in a difficult position with your head in darkness and you will suffer as our Lord suffered, until this house is sold. Then, Saint Joseph, I swear before the cross and God Almighty, that I will redeem you and you will receive my gratitude and a place of honor in my home.